Saturday, January 13, 2007

Warning: Self Doubt Ahead

I'm not sure if it's my stomach troubles or the lack of sunlight or something else, that has brought my darkness to the surface, but I feel empty. No ideas, no will, just a deep need to feel at peace, to feel content. One of the blogs I read is based in Lisbon, Portugal. The author and her husband just took a trip to Italy and Croatia. She had a bunch of pictures of Dubrovnik and Plitvice. They were beautiful pictures of places I've been and would like to go back to and all I could do was cry. I thought that by starting this business I would find my way. But it hasn't turned out that way. Oh, I know. It's early days yet, right? But I feel so tired, not in body but in spirit. I've always cherished my independence but I would give almost anything at this moment to be able to hand over the burden, to have someone just take care of all of it. I am filled with doubt. Not only that I can do this but that it is the right thing to do. I am wracked with a great longing for peace of mind but I don't know how to achieve it. I have tried to think positively and to live as if the business were successful. I try to be grateful every day for all that I do have but my mind rebels. I want someone to tell me what to do. I understand as I have never understood before why people seek to have faith in a higher power. I also can't help thinking that the answer is there if only I could see it, hold it in my hand. I suspect that some people would be surprised to know that I am in this state. It's odd for me too. I've always thought that I really knew who I was, that I was not defined by my job or by any other outside thing. But I'm no longer quite so sure about myself. Perhaps I need some help but from whom?
There. I'm done. And I'm going to resist the urge to delete it all and I will send it out into the Universe. As someone said, the Universe will provide. I must believe that is true.


Epiphany Alone said...

I send you big hugs. It's not easy.

If you decided tomorrow you don't want to do it, you still haven't failed. It took moxie to step out on your own. You're a tough woman, you've weathered a lot harder than this.

If you need a day off, take it. Take 2 days, even. Then you can come back in well rested and decide what's next: the resources online and otherwise that are free, the resources online and the resources online and otherwise that just involve your labor, and how to best spend your advert dollar in both places. Get those brainstormers working for you.

You can do it. We know you can. We got your back, sista.

Kicking N. Screaming said...

Alas, being confident, self-aware, goal-oriented and brave will not prevent you from sometimes also being terrified, doubtful and even lonely. The good news is that you can be all those things at once. I don't doubt for a moment that you will succeed and when you do, you'll be very glad you didn't hand it all off to someone else.

Meanwhile, there are a ton of us out here who've got your back, so, push on I'll just be here cheering you on (and pushing The Skein on every knitter I know!)