Good as New

I seem to be posting only once a month. It is still sort of annoying to type for an extended period. But that will be over soon, I am getting my hand fixed.

As some of you may know, I have had chronic problems with my right hand and wrist. Odd sensations, a feeling of internal pressure, and pain. Prior to having any health insurance I had gone to an acupuncturist and a massage therapist. Neither was terribly helpful. Yoga did seem to help and the pain was receding though the weird sensations remained. Then one day I noticed a lump on the top of my hand. It was only visible if I flexed my hand down, stretching the skin. Weird. What could it be? A bone out of place? Wouldn't that be terribly painful? Fortunately I know someone who has a formidable knowledge of anatomy. When I showed it to him without hesitation he said, "That's a ganglion cyst." Then he felt it. "Yup, feels like a cyst." Naturally I looked it up on the web. Then I made an appointment with an orthopedist and got the thing aspirated (i.e. sucked out with a hypodermic needle). This did not get rid of all the problems though the pain was mostly gone. As predicted by all the websites I'd visited the cyst returned. So I had it aspirated again. Still, no complete relief. The doctor said I might want to consider surgery. Normally I try to avoid that sort of thing but I simply cannot continue this way. I switched doctors at this point, opting for a hand specialist to do the surgery. I am going next Monday. I feel sort of beatific thinking about how wonderful it will be to have a hand that really works.

Pursuit of Happiness

You may be wondering what became of my happiness project. It's still going on. And I am not alone. The New York Times has a whole column about it called Happy Days: The Pursuit of What Matters in Troubled Times. The description says:

The severe economic downturn has forced many people to reassess their values and the ways they act on them in their daily lives. For some, the pursuit of happiness, sanity, or even survival, has been transformed. Happy Days is a discussion about the search for contentment in its many forms — economic, emotional, physical, spiritual — and the stories of those striving to come to terms with the lives they lead.

The topics of the column have ranged from near death experiences to spiritual retreats to the nature of sin among many others. I read it regularly and usually enjoy the essays though I don't always agree.

I have been having some troubles at work. One person's behavior has caused me and others to feel demoralized and increasingly stressed. I am not one of those people who can easily leave work behind; it follows me home, lurking in the back of my mind like some virtual bogeyman, ready to leap out and cause renewed irritation just when I begin to relax. I imagine conversations and plan speeches in my mind. What would John Adams say?

(He did say: “Be not intimidated… nor suffer yourselves to be wheedled out of your liberties by any pretense of politeness, delicacy, or decency. These, as they are often used, are but three different names for hypocrisy, chicanery and cowardice.”)

Perhaps just a wee bit much for a troublesome work situation. I have also found myself wishing that a particular event - poorly planned at the last minute - would tank and thereby teach the troublesome person a lesson. Disturbing and a sure sign that something must be done. The obvious thing is to find a different job but going about it willy nilly will not get me anywhere. That has been my modus operandi in the past - run away, not toward - and it just leads to the same situation in a different setting. I'm like the stereotypical battered woman who moves from one abusive man to another. So what can be done?

I intend to make an effort to bring back those little things that I have let slide. Like this blog for instance. And knitting. I don't know about you but I find it is easier to do something if I do it every day rather than once in a week. It becomes part of the structure of the day, a habit. So I will do some writing and some knitting - even if it is only a couple of sentences, a couple of rows - every day. And I will go out and sit in the park more often and cook interesting things for myself and maybe take a class here or there. I have allowed my jobs to take over my life and I have to take it back if I am to have any hope of transcending the cycle I have created for myself. Apathy is an easy habit to fall into and like all habits it is hard to break. Vigilance and faith will be required.

This brings me to Commandment 6. Live in the present. This is another toughy. I was thinking of getting a sign made. Attention: This is your life. It is happening now. Right now, this very moment. Be here. Or maybe I should get it tattooed so I can carry it with me wherever I go as a reminder to myself. Maybe I can even turn it into a habit.

Free Will or Not?

I've been reading Brian Greene's "The Fabric of the Cosmos: Space, Time, and the Texture of Reality". It's quite readable, particularly since he likes to use the Simpsons in his explanatory metaphors. Some chapter names:

The Universe and the Bucket: Is Space a Human Abstraction or a Physical Entity?
The Frozen River: Does Time Flow?
Teleporters and Time Machines: Traveling Through Space and Time.

In this last one, Greene explores the concept of free will. If one accepts the tenets of classical physics then free will is an illusion. Bear with me while I try to explain.

In the beginning we had the Big Bang. All of the particles that make up the universe exploded outward in a specific way, their movement governed by the laws of physics. Therefore, if you knew the exact state of all of the particles in the universe at any given moment you could predict exactly where they would be at any other given moment. Therefore, you could predict the future. Everything that is happening is happening because it must. To quote Greene:

" You are made of a collection of particles, so if the laws of classical physics could determine everything about your particles at any moment -where they'd be, how they'd be moving and so on- your willful ability to determine your own actions would appear to be fully compromised."

Are you with me? This idea is simultaneously horrifying and incredibly comforting. On the one hand, you have no real choice. All of the good intentions and good will cannot avert disaster if that disaster is predetermined by what happened billions of years ago. If we are able to affect an event or to change something about ourselves it is only because that is how it must be. On the other hand, we can completely eliminate the dreaded what ifs. We agonize over decisions and when they do not turn out they way we want we think, what if? What if I had made another choice? Well, if you accept the deterministic view, then you made the only choice possible, there is no what if, not in this universe. This doesn't mean that we don't go on living each day, making choices, taking action; it just means that we make the only choices possible.

This is a very intriguing idea for someone like me. As has been noted, I have control issues. I have a lot of trouble just accepting things and spend a lot of time going over past events trying to find a way in which those events would have turned out differently. Faith that a higher power has things in hand is not an option; I just don't believe it. But this, this is science, logic, and reason. I understand it and I could accept that it is true, in spite of my need to control every last thing that happens. And if I can accept it and really believe it then it might release me from some of the endless rehashing of the past and worrying about the future (cue Doris Day singing Que Sera, Sera).

However, we do not live in a classical universe. Quantum theory changes things. It may be that even in a quantum universe particles behave in a predictable way, that if you could observe the quantum wavefunction for a particular particle you could use quantum mechanics (in this case an equation written by Schroedinger) to determine the wavefunction at any other given moment. But there is the problem of observation. Does the act of observing change the object being observed? Are we missing something, some part of the quantum reality? If that is so, it is quite possible that free will might play a part in physical laws.

Have I thoroughly confused you? Not to worry, as Greene points out, physicists exist in a state of confusion. And that is okay. We do not need to know everything but we do need to explore and to theorize and to dream of what is possible.

C.F.A.

Hi, my name is Plaid Sheep and I am a control freak. It has been less than 24 hours since I last felt entirely responsible for a nasty event while simultaneously imagining the worst possible outcome.

What has prompted this? I'll tell you. (WARNING: Some soul searching ahead.) I joined an online group (a private group, entry must be approved) that had formed to deal with a problem created by a part of the state government. The members of the group were discussing how to deal with the problem and they were getting a little heated. I wanted to inject a bit of practical thinking. I spent about an hour crafting a message that would offend as few people as possible in the group while simultaneously getting my point across. Then I spent more time debating whether I should post it. I am in fact always very careful when writing anything online. Once it's there it's there, for anyone to see. What I did not anticipate is this message being forwarded to a reporter of a major newspaper who was doing a story on the said government problem. My words got hacked up, mis-quoted, and taken completely out of context. The upshot being that I am made to sound like a snarky bitch. And not only is my name there but I am listed as representing my place of employment. After reading it yesterday I spent the whole afternoon wanting to vomit.
Do you know someone who is always laying the blame elsewhere? Their parents didn't love them, their co-worker is out to get them, they never get given a chance? Well, I am the exact opposite. I invariably blame myself. I should have known better. I should have foreseen every possible outcome. I made the mistake. Intellectually, I know that this is not so. We cannot plan for every possible eventuality, we cannot live our lives forever anticipating the worst and trying to correct for it. We cannot, in other words, live in fear.
I have spent the morning thinking about this, about why I feel like my heart is being squeezed. It is quite clear that I am taking on all the responsibility. It's a bit like someone who gets mugged and then blames herself for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sure, it may be inadvisable to walk around in a sketchy neighborhood at night but the mugger is actually to blame. So why do I need to control everything? Perhaps it makes me feel safer. After all, if I can't control it then heaven knows what might happen. It's at moments like these that I feel the lack of a faith. How comforting would it be to say, "it is God's will and all is for the best"? I am also wary of taking this too seriously. There must be countless people who have been in this situation and there will be countless more after me. It is hardly the end of the world and if I have to deal with negative consequences then I will do that. Repeat to self: do not suffer future pain that may never come.

You Are What You Eat

I've been commenting on other's blogs with abandon but have not managed a post of my own. It's been a little crazy at work with several crises including a demand from the State of NY and our graphic design computer giving up the ghost. Fortunately it is the logic board rather than the hard drive so the things we failed to back up will be retrievable. But it's still a big fat headache and a big fat bill. Have you seen the prices for Adobe software? It's madness I tell you...

But that's enough of that. What I really want to write about is feeding my cats. I have switched them over to a raw food diet. I've been wanting to do it for a while but it was tricky. When you buy raw pet food it comes frozen and needs to stay frozen so I had to remember to bring an insulted bag and come right home after buying it. Then I discovered that the pet place two blocks from me carries raw food. Much easier. And it's not that expensive, only 20 cents more a day than the good canned food I had been giving them. Why should I go to the trouble? I'll tell you.
The last cat that I had died of stomach cancer. When she got sick I began to do research into diet and alternative healing, not just for cats but for people too. (That turned out to be helpful for me later.) What you eat is very important and can help or hinder your body's ability to function. I don't know about you, but when I eat a lot of sugar and processed food I feel sluggish and unwell. The same must be true for our pets. I have seen the results. People often site litter boxes as a reason not to have cats. They're stinky and you have to get rid of the waste quickly and frequently. But if your cats eat raw meat their poop is drier and smaller and not stinky at all. And they drink less water so there is less pee. Their bodies utilize much more of what they've eaten so there is less waste. Then there's hairballs. My cats don't get them very often, once a month maybe. Now they don't have them at all. Nick gets this gunk in his right eye that has to be cleaned. But now the gunk is almost completely gone. This last thing is real confirmation that I made the right choice; his body isn't having to get rid of excess junk. Not that this surprised me. When I was doing my research I came across a study by Dr. Francis Pottenger. He conducted a raw meat versus cooked meat experiment. What he found was that cats that ate raw food had a much better immune system, stronger bones and teeth, and had much healthier litters. The cats that did best of all were the ones that were allowed to catch their own food. On the other hand, the cats that ate cooked meat had malformations in their skeletal systems, allergies, thyroid problems, respiratory problems, and smaller litters with a greater mortality rate.
The second half of the book deals with human nutrition. It details the benefits of breast feeding, raw milk (rather than pasteurized), and organic farming. There's a great experiment involving feeding milk to plants. The plants that got the raw milk were large and lush while the pasteurized milk group grew scrawny and the ones that got evaporated milk hardly grew at all. This chapter in the book is titled Reciprocal Relationship of the Health of Plants, Animals, and Human Beings. In other words, we're all interconnected and what we do to one affects the others. Other chapters include: Fad Diets and Optimum Nutrition and The Importance of Fats in Nutrition.
Pottenger conducted his experiments between 1932 and 1942. But apparently nobody was listening. We went on to create a whole world of processed food devoid of anything but convenience and an industrial farming complex that has depleted the soil of nutrients but filled it with chemicals. We are finally coming back around. Pottenger's study was republished in 1995, a sign of a renewed interest in the ability of good foods to heal the body. We can only hope that this trend will continue and that as more people begin to see that they are healthier and feel better we can restore our proper relationship to the Earth.

I can't believe...

someone took the time to write this article. And that another bunch of people took the time to comment. Oh, and that some poor soul at the CDC was forced to compile the data in the first place. Next up, the detrimental effects of paper cuts on work productivity.

Good Choice

Every year the James Beard Foundation hands out awards to cookbooks.   There are several categories.  One of this year's nominees for Single Subject book is:

Fat: An Appreciation of a Misunderstood Ingredient, with Recipes