Saturday, June 30, 2007

The Hardest Thing

I did a dumb-ass thing today and it was almost really bad. Not life and death bad but lost data bad. I scared both myself and another person who did not need the aggravation. It all turned out okay in the end, in fact several problems were solved and it may have saved the data in the long run but I am still having a hard time with it. I know there are people out there, you know who you are, who can shrug this kind of thing off. I cannot. I really hate making dumb mistakes, mistakes of any kind really, particularly when the mistake involves someone else. And yet, I always find myself taking on responsibilities that have the potential for mistakes. (It's a good thing I never wanted to be a doctor because heaven only knows how I'd cope with losing a life.) I simply cannot leave a thing alone if the thing doesn't make any sense. I make things my problem when they don't have to be. This is one of the reasons I have trouble working for other people. I hate seeing waste and disorganization. I tell myself "it's not my business" over and over and but I don't seem to be able to help myself. It's not all that altruistic either. I want to solve the problem, to be the one in control, the one who knows the answer. This makes it almost impossible for me to just have a job that doesn't follow me home in some way. If only I could figure out a way to let it go, to let go of the fear and the doubt and the self-recrimination. Nasty things. Of course the only answer to that is to just do it. Stop thinking about it, stop being concerned about what others think, stop seeking perfection. Easier said than done though. If any of you have a method for banishing nasty thoughts please share it. I'll take all the help I can get.

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