Thursday, March 15, 2007

When It Rains, It Pours

My horoscope for this week by Rob Brezny:

Here you come dragging your exhausted but redeemed ass out of the deep dark forest of symbols. The red-eyed monkey demons fall off your back as you straggle toward the light. Your sunken eyes see wonders they were blind to before your ordeal. Your heart rages with a wild angelic love you've never tapped into before. And as you realize the magnitude of your tough miracle, you feel glimmers of gratitude for the rude tests you had to endure. Maybe you should get totally lost in limbo more often.

And just in time too. Last night I got a call from a friend I haven't spoken to in several months. She is not doing well. First, she's got some of my problems; worry over money, a feeling of listlessness and a lack of desire to do anything. She's a writer who has no will to write, a crafter with no will to create.

As if this were not enough she just learned that her parents are getting a divorce. After 30 years of marriage her father has had an affair.

My heart aches for all of them, especially for her mother. What must that be like, to face divorce after 30 years? She must be frightened of being alone, of dealing with all of her life. Her husband took care of all the financial things. Now she will have to learn. I feel for her father too. He may find that he's made a terrible mistake and that there is no way back.

My friend and her sisters are angry that their father has not tried to speak with them. I told her that I am not surprised. He feels guilty and he is afraid of what they will say. He has betrayed all of them. The worst thing is that now the past becomes tainted. They were a close family who went on vacations together, the parents still holding hands after 30 years of marriage. It all seemed wonderful and safe. Now it's all changed. The memories will be darkened by his act.

I was about 4 1/2 when my father had an affair. He too was weak and sat on the fence for a while, wanting to have his cake and eat it too, afraid to take the leap. My mother finally told him that he must choose and so he went. He stayed with that woman and they've been together for more than 30 years now. She is better suited to him than my mother was. But that does not justify his behavior. He should have made a clean break even though he was afraid and didn't know if the relationship with this new person would last.

As I was very small I didn't get the full story. But my 13 year old sister did. I think my mother was like me, she didn't have a very close best friend that she could talk to so she dumped a lot on my sister. I understand why, but it was unfortunate. My sister has never reconciled with our father and that is a shame. Not for his sake but for hers. One day time will run out. And it is easy to judge from a distance. We cannot know for sure what we would do in a similar situation. We may like to think we would act well, ending the first relationship before pursuing the next. But we don't really know. We are only human after all.

I told my friend about my father and my sister. I hope that she and her sisters will be able to forgive their father. It's important to be able to let it go. Otherwise it festers in your mind and it affects other relationships. But it's so hard to forgive when you hurt so much. I find it hardest of all to forgive myself for mistakes and bad judgements. And that is the most necessary thing of all, to forgive oneself.

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