Wants

As has been noted elsewhere, it's the time of year for resolutions. Normally I don't make any, but this year I have. I don't know about you, but I've always had trouble expressing my wants, even to myself. I'm not talking about the little stuff. I can easily say "I want a second slice of cake" or "I want a new pair of shoes". I'm talking about the bigger stuff. Those wants that come up in the middle of a sleepless night. The ones that are not logical, that seem strange, or force us to look at things we'd rather leave lying deep in the bottom of the closet. I grew up in a slightly WASP-y, Protestant Work Ethic kind of household but I think that my reluctance to name these wants was born in me. The environment didn't help of course. Not that I was discouraged from dreaming or wanting but I wasn't encouraged either. Mostly I was left to my own devices. I can understand that. I'm a solitary, self-contained sort of person. I'm sure I didn't invite interference of any kind. I still don't. But now I know it. My resolution is to start naming my wants. And I'm going to start right here, right now.

I want to have a real connection to another person.
I want to not worry so much.
I want to be more open with my friends.
I want to laugh more.
I want to live with a feeling of abundance rather than scarcity.
I want to be healthy and strong.
I want to trust myself.
I want to be excited by the coming day when I wake in the morning.
I want to see possibilities rather than obstacles.
I want to love and be loved and really feel it, like a fire.
I want to know that some bit of the world is a better place for my having been here.
I want to have work that I love to do.
I want to not be concerned with what other people think of me.
I want to be unafraid of confrontation.
I want to be willing to relinquish control.
I want to cry less often.
I want to feel joy.
I want to have faith.

Religion was not part of my growing up. We went to the occasional Christmas service but there was no ritual in my life past the daily chores. I was never taught to pray and I think that maybe I missed out. Prayer is asking for something. It doesn't have to be to a God, you may be asking it of the universe or of yourself. But you are asking, giving voice to desire. And saying something aloud does make it more real. Everything said and done under the living sky is remembered.